Domestic abuse toward males in heteronormative relationships: An under-reported Issue

“I only know of one prolific, high profile offender who is a female who is prone to very serious violence against her male partners, including stabbing them,” said RCMP officer Troy Savincoss of Cochrane, Alta.

Officer Savincoss is in charge of all of the support sections in Cochrane, including domestic violence reports in the growing city.

The abuse he sees is mostly directed toward women by men, but also believes that when it is the other way around it tends to be under-reported.

“Men don’t feel the necessity to call the police when they get pushed, smacked or hit by their female significant other," said Savincoss.

According to Stats Canada, half of all women in the country have experienced some form of physical or sexual violence.

Society must also consider that males can be subject to spousal violence, too. Heterosexual males are said to be more reluctant to come forward about the abuse that they experience due to fear of judgment.

A 2009, Statistics Canada survey found an estimated 585,000 men had suffered or were current victims of domestic violence.

The Calgary Counselling Centre located in Southeast Calgary is where men who are experiencing abuse should seek help.

People who are experiencing abuse are often directed to Calgary, Savincoss noted.

“Morley has an emergency shelter, but Cochrane itself doesn’t which can present issues,” he said.

He noted that less available resources may be the reason that both men and women are finding they need to reach for help in Calgary, even when they’re from small satellite towns.

Marcus Cheung is the the coordinator of the Male Domestic Abuse Outreach Program at Calgary Counselling Centre.

“Interestingly, we do get phone calls from as far as Nova Scotia or New Brunswick because there are really no services in the East,” he said. “ We also get calls from men in rural Alberta, BC and Saskatchewan. It looks like we’re some of the only ones in the country providing services for this issue specifically.”

Cheung emphasized that society’s attitude toward gender roles in addition to the overall lack of resources are what keep men from seeking the help that they need if they’re in an abusive situation with their female partners.

“I think it all started from socialization. When a little boy falls on their knee what kind of message is his mom or dad giving him versus their daughter? From the very beginning they’re told to be strong and not cry or talk about their feelings,” said Cheung.

Cheung also said that as these boys grow up and become involved in relationships that are abusive, it is very difficult for them to talk about their experiences because there are not enough spaces that allow them to feel it is okay to be vulnerable.

David Cross, whose name has been changed to protect his identity, is someone who experienced intimate partner violence.

“I didn’t even think to come forward about the abuse, because I was supposed to be the strong one — I was embarrassed.”

The abuse began once their “honeymoon phase” was over and the emotional manipulation was even more scarring for Cross than the physical violence.

“If she found out that I had friends of the opposite sex that would generate a slap, but the emotional abuse, the manipulation, and the invisible scars caused me the most trauma,” he said.

Cross claims that his ex-girlfriend would publicly shame him and cause scenes in public while calling him names.

“One time we went for ice cream, and she blew up at me while we were standing in line and then stormed out. Everyone was just staring at me awkwardly, that was the tipping point where I finally decided that I’d had enough,” said Cross.

When asked if he knew of any resources for men in Calgary or its surrounding areas, Cross said he wouldn’t even know where to look.

“You hear about shelters for women, but I’ve never heard anything about resources I could’ve used as a man. There are men in abusive relationships with other men, too. The lack of resources is concerning but points to a deeper societal issue,” said Cross.

The Male Domestic Abuse Outreach Program at Calgary Counselling Centre works closely with men to get to the heart of the problems they’re suffering from.

Marcus Cheung encourages men to utilize the program as part of their healing.

If you or anyone you know is suffering from domestic abuse by their partner, please contact Marcus Cheung at Calgary Counselling Centre for emotional support via email at marcus.cheung@calgarycounselling.com or +1(403)-691-5964